I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have post one night stand depression
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