No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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