So drunk its hurt
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
