I want you more than these girls want KFC
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
