just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
