Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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