I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
