I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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