i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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