you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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