I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
