Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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