The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
