You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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