You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
