This dress was meant to end up on your floor
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
