someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
