Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
