I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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