You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We talked him into tasing himself.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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