I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
