peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
