lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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