This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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