I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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