what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
