Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
