Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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