fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
