final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
