someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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