I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize