so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
