Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
