either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
