so that wasnt chicken after all
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
