ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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