Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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