Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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