I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
