I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
