and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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