Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
