We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
