it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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