Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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