i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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