There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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