i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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