I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
