I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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