i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
