When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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