My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
please come you make the beer taste better
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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